a traffic of thoughts

nikki's weird this particular entry playlist:
counting stars \\ sugarcult
somewhere on fullerton \\ allister
more than words \\ extreme
half alive \\ secondhand serenade
summertime \\ brianna taylor [[reminds me of summer '03]]

i've always wondered what destroys people .. why people fall apart ..
why people don't stay the way you met them ..
why do people change into someone you hardly know anymore ..
where did we start to lose touch, grow apart, become distant, get bored .. grow to hate each other ?
and why can't we stop this .. and why is it so gosh darn inevitable ?
.. and why the hell did you make someone your fucking universe and have them mean everything to you only to realize a little too late that you meant absolutely nothing to them ?

so many things went wrong ..
so many hurtful words exchanged ..
i don't even know where to begin.

i got scared this morning ..
how am i supposed to face the world by myself ..
without my partner in crime ..
it feels so lonely, and like first day at a new school kinda deal ..
how do you start all over .. where do you even begin ..
i've managed before .. but how come it seems so hard now ?

"one step at a time .." sounds so much easier said than done ..

i seriously wanted to destroy everything ..
take a fucking hammer .. some lighter fluid .. and a fucking big ass box of matches ..
to smash things, throw things, burn things, annihalate the fuck out of everything that reminded me.
and yeah .. it would feel good.
but in the end it'll just be stuff .. just .. broken stuff.
and then i'll have to clean up the entire mess.
and in the end .. the memories will still fucking be there.

and how do you destroy a memory, not just one .. but thousands, millions, countless memories.
damnit -_-'
if only eternal sunshine was real.
i wanted to erase everything.
burn/delete pictures, files, e.mails, saved IMs, music playlists, burn some clothes, destroy souvenirs, rip apart stuffed animals, tear up ticket stubs, receipts, pamphlets, crack CDs, rip out diary/journal entries, tear up notes and letters, shut down every account possible (myspace, facebook, xanga, e.mail), change my number, move somewhere else ? ..
and i'd be sitting on a pile of trash, and then i'd look around me and see buildings, rooms, places that i can't destroy like some terrorist psycho and bomb the fuck out of those places.
southern california would be totally obliterated. seriously.

but then i wasn't sure if that was some pathetic attempt to run away ..
and damnit, i really gotta stop running and hiding cause everything will still be there.

i cried. who wouldn't ?
the journey ahead seemed so painfully gloomy and lonely.
but then again, the path i was already on was painfully gloomy and lonely ..
which one is the lesser of two evils ?

i keep staring at my fucking phone.
i smashed the one given to me with some mediocre wrench in the garage, but i couldn't exactly destroy my razr, which fucking sucks.
i wanna pick up my phone and call ..
but i had to convince myself a thousand times over that making that move was weak and pathetic, and i shouldn't ever look back.

stupid nikki !!
you didn't even get that far yet !!
it's barely only been a day.

i keep thinking there's gotta be someway, somehow to fix things,
but there's no fix for something that's been broken ?

then i thought, i'm just gonna close this chapter ..
close this chapter ?!
this is the fucking majority of your book.
i can rip out all the fucking pages i would like,
BUT a huge ass chunk of my life would be missing !!
and sorry .. NOPE !!
no happy ending for you here.
sorry, try again.
it's like those little 2 liter bottle caps that piss you off.

convinving myself that everything happens for a reason and that i'm better off  is extremely difficult.

i really need a change of scenery.
Keokuk used to be the only safe, untainted place.
now where do i go ?
every fucking thing, every fucking where has a fucking memory attached to it.

this is what happens when you let someone get too close and in way too deep.
but i guess that's a risk you take ..
to be completely vulnerable to the one you willingly, blindly, might i add, give your heart to.
and i will definitely never do this again .. for a really, really, really long time.
now i'm stuck in some hole .. and i thought i'd be able to get out.
but someone threw me a fucking shovel.
dig, nikki.
what the fuck ?

and i know you're feeling perfectly ok.
cause this was all my fault.
i fucked everything up, no matter how hard i tried.
useless effort that was never acknowledged.
everything crashed and burned because i decided to be me.
i'll never be good enough for you.
and all i ever wanted was for you to treat me like i meant something to you.
something !! anything !! a sock, even .. !!
but i learned people don't change ..
and you definitely are powerless to change them.

i was brainwashed into your stupid, retarded lifestyle.
"sorry's" are always too late.
you can't be friends with the opposite sex.
everyone in the world is mean and out to get you, even me.
i'm not your equal.
i don't deserve respect.
romance is what turns girls into evil bitches.
and most of all, you were are always right.
and all your mistakes are not mistakes because i fucked up first which is why you made those mistakes .. which really are the effect of something i did. and i deserved all that hurt cause i made you hurt me. stupid.
wow. this sounds stupider as a i type ..

you don't believe it takes two people to fail.
it only took me.
sorry for everything you believe i've done to hurt you .. and i'm truly sorry for the things i've actually done to hurt you.
and sadly, i've given up trying to be perfect, trying to be whoever you wanted me to be, trying so hard to make you happy and comfortable. i kinda lost myself and who i was/am that way ..

pssh. i was even so naive to think that maybe if i leave, there was hope that maybe you'd realize you've lost something really great.
haha. but as i walked away, i only found that i meant absolutely nothing ..

hahaha !!
i'm laughing cause it's so stupid.
cause i'm stupid.
the most fucking greatest irony of all, right ?
haha. nikki, you're so retarded.

everything you did .. everything you said .. hurt .. really, really hurt.
but i'm not asking for apologies or for you to man up to your mistakes ..
and i don't want to hold a grudge anymore.
i'll try not to be pompous and say that i don't need you .. blah blah .. you're not worth it .. insert more blah blah blah.
cause i know i still feel like you're my everything.
oh someone please shoot me now. i'm so pathetic.
but really, it takes too much effort .. and i think i've put more than enough in.
plus, it makes it seem like my life revolves around you ..
it probably still does ..
but over time .. that will dwindle away, too ..

X: i already know you guys are gonna get back together .. maybe in a couple of days .. probably next week ..
me: i don't think so .. not this time ..
X: you always say that .. [insert sarcastic voice here] how many times have you guys broken up ? [insert my retarded look here] pssh .. yeah .. see ! look .. you have all these reasons to leave, but what's your reason to stay .. ?
me: [shrugs] i don't even know anymore ..
X: so don't go back then. if you don't have a reason to stay, don't go back. you deserve better. i'm starting to think you're addicted to feeling like crap and being treated like shit. seriously .. that's pathetic.

WOW. definitely a wake up call. best friends really do stab you in the front.
maybe i really am addicted to feeling miserable ..
but that's cause that's the only way to still have you, to feel close to you, no matter how much it hurts ..

i'm never going to forget the good times .. or the bad, too, i guess.
i would really love to say that these past 3 1/2 years were a big, ass, huge mistake and a complete waste, but that would be lying.
i shared a lot of laughs, lots of inside jokes, lots of "we-get-each-other" moments, silent meaningful glances, secrets, eating new foods, odd traditions, exploring new things, accomplishing items on each of our "to-do" lists, trying new activities, adventures to new places, discovering parts of myself ..
i had a shoulder to cry on, someone to trust, someone to go to, a source ofcomfort ..
i shared a lot of memories, ups & downs, couple gossip, made future plans, weird random shit only we get .. all those bittersweet, awesome, romantic, fun, simple, ugly, but unforgettable memories ..
i had someone to share my interests with, someone to show off to family and friends ..

i had a best friend .. someone to give my heart to, someone to share my life with .. i had it all.

but nothing great lasts forever. and i know one day i'm gonna look back on all this and not even know what went wrong .. and feel a tinge of sadness that .. it's all gone.

thanks for all you've done for me. and i hope one day you find that special girl that will change your whole perspective in life for the better. and i kinda hope harder it's that Mary chick you find yourself going back to all the time .. cause she seemed worth it enough to wreck something good/broken [whichever you prefer .. whatever you think we had] .. and i really do hope the best for you in life. i really do hope you get to experience space, make your dad proud, etc. and most of all, i really hope you do find happiness and true love cause nowadays, those entities are rare. and i hope when you do find it, you'll know it's worth that time around.

i may have given up here, but i'm pretty sure i've given my absolute best.
i'll definitely try not to regret anything and keep moving on .. glance back as few times as possible ..

i'ma take everything you've taught me about life .. about love.
take all these memories, and this one, big, long experience ..
and carry it with me everywhere i go to remind me of who i used to be, who i was when i was with you, who i've become, who i am, and where i'm going.

i'm not going to pretend i'm ok and i'm not gonna lie that i don't need you ..
cause right now, i really do.
i know the road ahead won't be easy ..
and i know there'll be sleepless, endless nights of missing everything and piles of wet tissues ..
i'm going to try not to hate certain days or everything that reminds me of you ..
but we're both going our seperate ways ..
"you bought the ticket. take the ride." SITE II 2006
and i already know we'll both end up ok.
and 306, well for me at least, will never die.
you know where i stand, i just can't go back ever.

so much more things are left unsaid, but i suspect silence really is golden ..
cause no matter how many words are exchanged, it won't change anything ..

goodbye xanga account.
meet me at my new one.
for those who actually read .. you'll know where to find me ..

by the way, if two people are sOo miserable without each other ..
why does the universe conspire to make it impossible to be together ?
ahh .. the mysteries of life ..
kinda like whichever line/freeway lane you choose to get into is the slowest in traffic.
one last .. toodles !!

updates.

romy's awesome response

Posted 6/3/2008 7:14 PM by  serena_heart hmm, maybe 'cuz most of the media today focuses on females and their status, are they single or married or at least in a relationship. there  are all these things that say "hey girl, where's your man?" there's vanlentine's day. and most holidays. aren't we sort of being brainwashed. read magazine articles or even their titles..."10 ways to give him the best sex of his life" or "how can you tell if he's into you." and there's nothing like that in guy magazines. if you look at movies it's all about how a girl finally gets a guy...or finally gets married. or how she wants someone she can't have but then she gets a makeover and is actually a knockout...they're not really promoting a sisterhood that should exist. (usually the antagonist to these stories are pretty and snotty girls, another helping of misogyny). nice guys finish last becase (well usually) isn't thaty psychological. most people who have perfect families but most of us don't. perfect as in not dysfnctional, divorced...etc. occasional fights are fine. we perpetuate the cycle choosing and not choosing certain mates based on who they are. we know who they are on some level and so we pick the dickheads, fucktards because this is what we are used to, all mostly sub conscious...most of the time this is who we work with, after we find someone good we say "next!" and move on to jerk # 56. the girls in videos are not portrayed as sluts. they are portrayed as "things." the guys have a ton of shiny cars, shiny houses and shiny gold bikini'd women. we are not sluts in the video. yes...see it!

plus every magazine is telling us how to be prettier or thinner or darker or lighter...how can we be satisfied and have saomweone nice when the world is telling us we don't quite deserve the bvest yet because we are not good enough yet...but with a boob job, thicker lashers, a bigger or smaller butt we can, i guess....

end of spring08

so we went to a zohan screening @ the grove last night compliments of romy.
we bumped into pablo, cali, calvin, estelle, arjay, & oliver.
also saw kanye west. he tripped over irvinG's leg.
also .. present were kellis, twista, T.I., & treysongz.
kanye wasn't there for the screening. he was watching a movie on his own.
.. or maybe they all went in, individually .. && met up at the same movie.
just sOo they don't attract attention. LOL.
we suspect he went in to watch Sexy & the City.
after the movie, we bumbed into alfred, julie, & kat !!
fun times. [:

just finished my last final !!
whee !!
summer, here i come !! [:

a female's biological right to choose.

catchy, eh ?

so i decided to write in here again .. about my last biology lecture of the spring semester.
&& hott damn !! it was a good one !!

ok so here we go.
i learned that biologicially:
males = competitive
females = choosy
in a nutshell, we all know this, but kinda have lost sight of it.

in most species, males compete over one female.
so .. where the hell did "pimps" come from ?
it should be pimpettes, right ?

females have this biological right to be picky about choosing who they want to "do" ..
in order to pass on strong "fit" genes to the next generation.
is this why nice guys finish last ? cause the bad boys look tough enough to carry good genes ?
it just hit me that everything in society is .. is kinda natural ..

BUT..
why are girls acting all slutty in music videos making it seem like we need the men ?
why are girl friends starting to become so catty over a guy ?
girls need to step up again.

i don't wanna get too indepth.
i gotta go put in my intern hours ..
but yeah .. we should really think about this ?